Who We Are
by mslaughter
Summary: Post ME2 - After all that's happened in the last few years, Shepard tries to find where she fits into the galaxy and the lives of the people around her. *spoilers*
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect nor any of the characters within it. Woe is me._

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Commander Shepard's throat felt parched and her heart pounded against her ribs. A chill trickled down her spine, pooling in her stomach. She stood out in stark contrast from her surroundings, black and crimson armor amidst the sea of subtle browns that permeated Councilor Anderson's office. He had asked her there to discuss Council business. On any other day, she'd be flanked by an entourage. Today she had chosen to venture out alone, sure that her compatriots had more interesting things to do than sit in on another humdrum meeting.

"Commander Shepard! You're a bit late, but no matter. Please, have a seat." The corners of Anderson's mouth pulled up into a warm smile, oblivious to her distress. One upturned palm stretched out toward her then gestured toward the vacant chair that rested opposite the desk from him. She disliked the chairs in Anderson's office. They were flimsy amalgamations of steel and thick beige plastic, the backs leaning forward at a weird angle. She had come prepared for the discomfort the chairs offered. She had not come prepared for the discomfort offered by the unexpected presence of her former Lieutenant.

Shepard settled herself into the proffered chair, shifting uncomfortably in an attempt to find a position that didn't cause her guns to dig into her back. She returned Anderson's smile as she settled into an awkward posture that had her leaning forward. Warily, she turned her head to the right to nod to the marine seated there. "Lieutenant Alenko."

"It's um, actually Commander now," Kaidan said, raising his arm to rub the back of his neck.

"Oh. Well, congratulations on the promotion," Shepard mumbled to the edge of the desk in front of her. She knew that he had been promoted to commander. She wasn't sure why she had called him Lieutenant, though it was most likely just out of habit. This was the first time they'd spoken since their falling out on Horizon. Well, he had sent her a message but she'd never replied. She had needed to stay focused on diffusing the Collector threat and wouldn't have known what to say to him even if she'd tried. She looked down at his polished black leather boots and the matching black fatigue pants that were neatly tucked into them. She suspected that if she were to reach out and touch one of the pleats that it would be stiff with starch. She knew he was close enough that she could test her theory, but she felt like it would be easier for her to take on a thresher maw than to bridge the gap between them. Anderson's voice snapped her out of her reverie.

"As you know, Shepard, the Council has been monitoring your activities since your destruction of the Collector base. We are satisfied that you are, in fact, no longer working for Cerberus and have severed all ties with the Illusive Man. Although there is still some concern regarding some members of your crew, we have decided to end your probationary period and publicly announce our support for you as a Spectre. This is great news, Shepard. This means that you once again have the backing of the Council and all of the resources that come along with that," he took a moment to smile at her before continuing on, "of course, this also means that we will have missions for you from time to time and you will be expected to send regular reports."

"That is great news. I'm sure you played no small part in their change of heart. I really appreciate you having my back." During her tenure at Cerberus, Shepard had grown accustomed to a life free of filing reports. She wasn't looking forward to starting up again. Even so, she was glad to be off of the Council's shit list. After leaving Cerberus, she was off of their payroll. Most of the credits she had saved were sunk into repairs for the _Normandy _after the campaign against the Collectors. They were getting by with income from mining and odd jobs, but the treasury was quickly dwindling. She had begun to worry how she was going to keep the crew fed and her ship running. She had already restricted their travel to systems with mass relays to reserve fuel. Though Joker hadn't confronted her about it yet, she knew that it hadn't escaped his notice.

"Now I know that I don't have any authority to give you orders. However, there is a matter with which I'd like to request your help. An Alliance conference is being held on Earth in five days to assess colonial defenses. You and Commander Alenko are among the few humans who have lived through a Collector attack. The Alliance believes your experiences will prove invaluable and they have requested that both of you participate in the discussion panel. Even if you decide not to attend the conference, Shepard, I'd like for you to see that Commander Alenko gets there safely."

"Of course, sir. You know I'm more than happy to help any way I can. Besides, I think my crew would appreciate a mission with a little less certain death for a change."

"That will be all for now. But Shepard? Maybe after the conference you should find a little time to relax. God knows you've earned it." Anderson gave her a nod to indicate that she was dismissed.

Shepard pushed up from her chair and let out a puff of breath as her spine realigned itself with two quiet pops. She took a step toward the door then paused, her hand lingering on the back of her chair. Against her better judgement she turned her head to look at Kaidan. Judging from the expression on his face, all of this was as much of a surprise to him as it was to her. "The _Normandy_ is docked at level 27 of the Zakera ward. We'll ship out at 1800 hours." The chill she had felt in her stomach earlier had formed into a hard lump. She forced her eyes to break away from his and continued her long trek to the door.

Anderson's door made a whooshing sound as it sealed itself behind her. For a moment Shepard didn't move. She stood blinking at the muted gray of the hallway, the only splash of color a green fern-like plant in the corner across from her. What had just happened? What had she agreed to? She looked down at the smooth, clean floor under her scuffed leather boots and wondered how much time the Keepers must spend on floor duty to keep them so pristine. How long had it taken them to restore that luster after bits of Sovereign had rained down across the Presidium? She heard muffled voices beyond the closed door behind her. Abandoning her thoughts of Keepers armed with brooms and floor wax, she quickly made her way down the ramp that would take her out of the embassies. The last thing she wanted was for Kaidan to open the door and find her standing like an idiot, lost in contemplation of alien housekeeping. Most days, Shepard would admire the way the synthetic sunlight glinted off of the river that meandered around the center ring of the Citadel, and the way that the reflected clouds would shimmer and dance as the water rippled. Today the serene scene was lost on her. A tangled jumble of thoughts and emotions filled her head as she plodded to the rapid transit station.

As she approached, the shiny red curves of the transit car opened like a maw, the three doors peeling back from the body. Dazedly, she climbed into the front seat and punched in the sequence that would deliver her to the docking bay. A soft hydraulic hiss issued from the vehicle as its doors closed and it loosed itself from the gravity field, lifting into the air. Shepard settled back against smooth, padded vinyl and let the auto-drive do its job as she succumbed to her thoughts. Kaidan was still a sore topic. He fought by her side in a plethora of arduous battles across the galaxy. They took down Saren together. Even between missions they were always exchanging jokes and stories, keeping each other sane. He listened to her rant and complain without judging her. He shared her grief over the loss of first Jenkins and then Williams. They had become closer and closer, their relationship culminating in the night they spent together before Ilos. Sex wasn't something she took lightly and though that night meant more to her than she cared to admit, she wondered if it had been a mistake. Perhaps if they hadn't complicated things, they would still be friends.

The gentle thud of her car touching down pulled her mind back to the Citadel. She grasped the dashboard and hauled herself out into the musty air of the docking bay. The Normandy looked peaceful, its polished hull resting soundly between the docking pads that held it aloft. Shepard stepped into the decontamination chamber and waited patiently for EDI's confirmation and the gentle woosh of the airlock. Her boots made a soft 'clank, clank' as she marched through the orange glow of the terminals humming on either side of the deck. The clanks paused while she tried to think of a way to her quarters that didn't involve Kelly Chambers. She knew the woman meant well but Shepard wasn't up for an emotional evaluation right then. Why couldn't this _Normandy_ have stairs like the original? Certainly this posed some sort of fire hazard. Resigning herself to the only path available, the clanks recommenced, their frequency increasing as she neared the elevator. Kelly turned around just in time to see her commander's face vanish behind the polished steel doors. Shepard smiled at her small victory. She felt the downward tug in her naval as the elevator car forced her inertia into a new direction.

The captain's quarters were moodily lit by a soft blue emitting from the aquarium that spanned one wall. "Damn it," Shepard cursed under her breath. In her haste to get to the elevator, she'd forgotten to unload her weapons in the armory. She briefly debated going back down before unhooking the guns from her back and laying them carefully on the squat table that nestled in the 'L' formed by her couch. She padded back across the room to her closet, a sigh of relief escaping her lips as she released herself from the tight-fitting armor. The air felt cool on her exposed skin as she climbed into her shower. She felt her tension mingling with the hot water, running down and spinning into the drain. Stepping out, she pulled a thick towel from its hook and patted the moisture from her skin. She pushed her legs into a pair of loose black slacks and wrapped a long black jacket around her torso. The collar was trimmed in white and the fabric had a slight sheen to it. She looked in the mirror at the place where she had removed the Cerberus insignia from the breast. She ran a hand through her damp hair. There were a lot of preparations to be made before her guest arrived.

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_A/N: My goal with this story is to focus on character development--what goes on in Shepard's head and why she does the things she does. At this point I'm planning on switching perspective between Shepard and Kaidan so that I can delve into some of his inner dialogue as well. As far as specific plot lines, I'm pretty much making it up as I go along. I'm not entirely sure where the story will go up but I've got a lot of ideas rattling around in my brain. Please review and let me know what you think or any suggestions you have._


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Sorry it took me so long to get this chapter up. I appreciate your patience. Thank you to everyone who read the last chapter and special thanks to those of you who reviewed. This chapter is from Kaidan's perspective. To avoid confusion, I'll let you know that the first part is set just after the destruction of the Normandy but then the story switches back to the present._

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Kaidan wept. He wept until his eyes were red and swollen, his head a mass of throbbing torment. Sobs racked his body until it stilled, begging for air. He wept until there were no more tears to shed, then wept more. This was every night since Kaidan's world had collapsed.

It's been two weeks. Two weeks since he failed her. Since she failed him. They assigned him to a large city on Batahnn, where his team was investigating reports of an illegal slavery ring. Anderson had told him to take some leave; Kaidan refused. He needed to continue fighting for good. _She wasn't there to do it anymore._ Why had he let her stay behind? He should have forced her into the escape pod and gone after Joker himself. _Joker._ Anger flared in him at the thought. Active duty was the only thing that distracted him. Every person, every building, every rock was a thought of her. His uniform kept the meltdowns at bay._ He should have saved her._

They'd received a tip about a warehouse. Kaiden wasn't sure who they were after or who'd given the tip. He didn't really care. _She should be there with him_. _She would have solved this mess days ago._ His team fanned out, searching the room. He could still smell her skin, see her smile, hear her laugh. Shouts echoed around him. He didn't feel like two weeks had passed. _He didn't feel much of anything._ Electric blue enveloped him as his shields deflected a bullet. _His heart ached._ The blue became dimmer as more bullets found their mark. _He felt empty._ A batarian was screaming something at him, bullets exploding from the pistol in his hand. Kaidan knew he should take cover. The blue fizzled out, pain exploded in his left shoulder. A second slug buried itself in Kaidan's side before the slaver was gunned down. The pain seared, urgent, filling his body and mind: a sweet intermission from his anguish. He touched the lava that was his abdomen and looked at the blood on his hand, mesmerized. As the ground rose to greet him, the words "well look at that" passed through his head before his world went black.

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Kaidan sat uncomfortably in Councilman Anderson's office. Some of his discomfort was due to poor chair design but most of it was because the ghost of the woman he loved was sitting in the chair next to him. She looked like Shepard; she walked and talked like her. He had never stopped wishing for some miracle that would bring her back. Then one day this woman shows up: wish granted. Except this Shepard didn't have scars his Shepard had and her hair was longer. She looked tired, haunted. This Shepard had worked for Cerberus. It was an insult to everything she had stood for, to everything they had gone through together. His Shepard would have never joined Cerberus for any reason.

After Horizon, he'd been forced to admit that the woman he was still in love with had never really existed. After two years, his memory of Shepard was as much him as it was her. If the woman next to him really was Shepard, it was unfair for him to compare her to a legend. He felt guilty for their hostile reunion. He had sent her a message in an attempt to make it right but it had been difficult for him. He'd felt like he was betraying his grief by letting her in. He didn't want to accept that the perfect being he recalled could change, make mistakes. The sound of his name brought his focus back to the conversation happening beside him.

"...Alenko are among the few humans who have lived through a Collector attack. The Alliance believes your experiences will prove invaluable and they have requested that both of you participate in the discussion panel. Even if you decide not to attend the conference, Shepard, I'd like for you to see that Commander Alenko gets there safely."

"Of course, sir. You know I'm more than happy to help any way I can. Besides, I think my crew would appreciate a mission with a little less certain death for a change." Shepard replied.

He was glad to hear her sounding more like the woman he remembered. He thought he'd even seen a hint of a smile on her face.

"That will be all for now. But Shepard? Maybe after the conference you should find a little time to relax. God knows you've earned it." Anderson gave her a nod to indicate that she was dismissed.

Kaidan turned his head and watched her stand from her chair. He heard her sigh wearily before she paused and looked back at him. The familiarity of her brilliant blue eyes startled him. Maybe the woman he'd known really was in there somewhere.

"The _Normandy_ is docked at level 27 of the Zakera ward. We'll ship out at 1800 hours." She said.

He remembered that her new ship was called the _Normandy SR-2_. Still, hearing her say the name of their old ship stirred up some emotions. He watched out of the corner of his eye as her armor-clad form retreated from the room. He felt both relief and disappointment at her departure. He looked back to Anderson, knowing the expression of concern that he would find there.

"How's your head, Kaidan?" Anderson asked gently.

As he formulated a response, Kaidan's eyes focused on the dim glow of a datapad that lay on the desk. After the incident on Batahnn, he had been placed on medical leave. Though his gunshot wounds healed quickly, he was required to see a psychologist on the Citadel once a week until he could show mental stability; only then would he be allowed to return to the field. Anderson had taken it upon himself to look after the broken soldier and the two had become rather close.

"Physical pain is minimal but the rest is still cloudy. You assure me that you've spent enough time with her to know that she's the same Shepard. I trust your judgment but seeing her now, after... everything. She's just a reminder of everything I've lost and all of the... pain," Kaidan's voice wavered. He sighed. "I just can't let her back in, knowing what losing her again would do to me."

"I know you've still got your doubts about her but the two of you will need to work together to make sure our colonies are protected. I think it'll do you some good to talk to her. I know you've got a helluva backlog of conversations in your head and we both know they need to come out. At the very least you deserve some closure." Anderson's tone was fatherly, his face sympathetic.

"I know you're right, David. It doesn't make it any easier, though," Kaidan said, resigned. He stood from his chair and sluggishly moved toward the exit. Anderson met him by the door.

"I expect you'll copy me in on your reports to the Alliance, but you know I'm here if you need to talk about anything else." Anderson shook Kaidan's hand, pulling him into an embrace. "Take care of yourself, Commander."

"I will. You too, sir." Kaidan let go of his mentor and headed out in the direction of his apartment.

When he was grounded to the Citadel during his medical leave, he'd been provided with a small apartment in the Wards. He had kept it even after returning to active duty. Sometimes he would go months without setting foot in it but when his work brought him to the Citadel, he always had a place to stay. He'd gotten a lot more use out of it as of late. When the Alliance learned that Kaidan's presence on Horizon had made it a target for the Collectors, they were reluctant to send him out again for fear of endangering more civilians. The new assignment on Earth was the first he'd been given since leaving the colony. He assumed that sending him on the _Normandy_ was a way for them to minimize risk by keeping the targets together. His stomach tightened at the thought of being in confined quarters with members of his old crew. Things were already tense between him and Shepard, and he hadn't even spoken to Joker since just after the destruction of the first _Normandy_.

"Well this should be fun," he mumbled to himself as the console outside his door beeped its verification of his identity and slid open. His quarters consisted of a small, sparsely furnished room with one end sectioned off for the bathroom. A single bunk jutted out from the wall, scratchy woolen blankets crumpled atop it where he'd pushed them back when he'd gotten up that morning. A low makeshift desk stood opposite the bed, a stack of datapads pushed to one side on top. He approached the recessed drawers that adorned the wall between and began to pack clothes into the duffel he'd pulled from under the bed. He opened the mini-fridge that resided under his desk to make sure he wouldn't leave anything to spoil. Aside from a half-eaten sandwich from the night before and a partial bottle of Jack Daniels, the fridge was empty. He snatched up the sandwich and wolfed it down on his way to the shower.

Clean and dressed, he slung his bag over his shoulder and glanced around the room for anything he might have missed. His arm instinctively reached for the photograph on his desk. They'd been on some mineral scouting expedition when Tali had snapped the photo from the back of the Mako. Shepard and Kaidan were turned around in the front seat, both faces pointed at the camera with goofy expressions while their eyes cast sideways at each other. Tali had given him a copy after Shepard died and it hadn't left him since. He debated if it would be appropriate to bring it along for this mission but in the end he tucked it between the shirts in the bottom of his pack. He stood for a moment in the doorway and took a deep breath. The lights in the room went dark as the door clicked shut behind him.


End file.
